Scene 1: uterus is in a fit, flailing ovaries, pacing swiftly, angrily
Reproductive system: OH WHAT, NO BABY IN HERE AGAIN, HUH? I GUESS ILL JUST TAKE ALL THIS HARD WORK IVE DONE AND LET YOU LIIIIIIIIITTTTTTEERRRRRRAAAAAALLLLLLLY FLUSH IT DOWN THE TOILET. YOURE A TERRIBLE GIRL AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD!
(Aside, RS internal monologue): yes… Yes she should feel bad. And it should go beyond physical pain… She’s gotten too good at handling that side… I have an idea…
Scene 2: (stage right) RS dictating as it writes a letter to Brain, who sits stage left, reading the letter
RS: my dearest Brain, eternal friend, our host has once again failed to recognize and utilize all of the preparatory work I’ve done for her future. Like an ungrateful child, she has cast aside her responsibility, not only to her society, but to herself. To you and me. There is only so much I can do, but I have an idea that will no doubt make her think twice about letting my generous gifts go to waste again. And by “my” I mean “our”, as she has acted just as rudely towards you in this. Here’s what we should do…
(She sound of pen on paper overlaps with the sound of brain softly, menacingly, chuckling)
Scene 3: RS and B sit calmly at a table, addressing me, the unseen 3rd party
RS:… And furthermore, you are undeniably female. I’m part of you! What so you think I’m for? Do you think this is a game? That this is fun for me? Setting up all this stuff? Making sure the eggs get where they need to be, in a timely manner? Ensuring that the room is just right for the creation of A NEW LIFE? ha, well, maybe you’re right I mean… Well, I mean… (Looks at Brain and nods encouragingly)
Brain: Well, we know it’s hard for you, looking like you do and all… (Pause) …and that you try, you really do, but you’re just so… So… Weird. I mean, most of the time I don’t even understand you, and I’m your brain! How could anyone else, anyone outside, other people, you know how could they understand you? How could they even begin to try? It’s just so off-putting, really… Have you tried being, well, less you? It couldn’t hurt. And, of course here’s makeup and you could go to the gym… You’d find a male to knock you up in… in… Oh, RS, who are we kidding! She’s hopeless. Look at her! No one cares about her, she doesn’t even try. No one likes her enough to even date her, much less, well, you know… But the normal life of love and companionship isn’t for everyone, I guess. Perhaps it’s better if you just get used to being alone. Forever…
(Suddenly RS lunges to her feet, knocking over her chair and drop kicks the table in half)
RS: TIME TO BRING THE PAIN MOTHERFUCKER. HOPE YOU LIKE GETTING YOUR SYSTEM FUCKED UP BY ME, CAUSE IM APPARENTLY THE ONLY ONE WHO DO IT, LIKE YOUR BRAIN JUST TOLD YA!!!!!
(Play ends with Brain cowering stage right while RS wildly rips apart the set)
Save your nips bottles and always carry a tampon. When a car rolls up, windows down to harass you, BAM! Mini Molotov cocktail in seconds.
I guess the flaming tampon would be unnerving enough and harder to volley back though…
Hat was faster than I usually proceed.